You know that commercial for the Capital One credit card, “What’s in YOUR wallet?” Well, that’s how I’m asking you, “What’s YOUR drama tool?” I know you’ve got one, ‘cause everybody does. Whether you’re a drama queen or not, there are tools you pull out from your drama tool belt that you use to chisel your way to getting what you want or need. The question is, do they always work? Are they sharp and effective, or are they just excruciatingly dull and emotional?
Let’s look at why you’re pulling out these tools in the first place. If we need a tool, it’s to fix something, right? So, in your relationship, what is it that needs fixing? Here are two examples to get you thinking about how you’re using drama to get what you want rather than fixing what’s a little broken.
You’re at a café enjoying a sunny afternoon with your guy, only he’s looking at every girl that passes by. You’re increasingly getting steamier than the hot foam on your latte. You blow your top, call him an insensitive jerk, and maybe you throw something at him as you storm off – expecting him to run after you.
What’s the problem?: You’re feeling insecure. Get honest with yourself. You don’t feel secure in him looking at other girls, and you don’t feel secure in who you are as a woman because technically, if you’re the bomb.com, who cares WHO he’s looking at?
What’s the drama tool?: Jealousy
What’s a better tool?: Communication. If you want more attention, ask for it. If you don’t want him to look at other women, tell him and then tell him why it bothers you. If he continues to do it, he is an insensitive jerk and you’ll have to decide if this is something you can deal with (because, you know, “bomb.com”), or you’ll bounce.
Your husband comes home after a few days away on a business trip. You rush to him, make him scoop you in his arms, and gush, “Heeyyy, did you miss me?” You’re met with too long of a pause and a weak “Sure….” Now your feelings are hurt, tears are welling in your eyes, and you want him to turn around and go back to wherever he was.
What’s the problem?: You’re feeling overly needy and maybe lonely. (Never ask a man if he misses you; if he does, he will tell you. I offer this from my own experience!)
What’s the drama tool?: Manipulation
What’s a better tool?: Express your own feelings; don’t try to manipulate his. Say, “Honey, I sure missed me some of you!” Give him a big smacker, and be on your fabulous way.
The next time you find yourself blowing up over something seemingly simple, take a step back, and go through the exercise above. Ask yourself, what is the problem? Or, what do I want here? Then identify the tool you’ve pulled from your belt to throw at the problem. Next, see what other tools you can use that will get you the result you desire without all the drama.