I’ve never been good at throwing shade. Or it’s distant old school cousin “playing the dozen.” Technically, I’m more of a “tell it like it is to your face” kind of girl. But I do it gently. I do it softly. But I will tell you the truth. And that sometimes hurts way more than any insult that can be hurled your way. Which is what throwing shade is – merely insulting someone. Really well. But, I’m no good at it because I’m too sensitive. I’m a simple Indiana girl. Who just happened to grow up to be fabulous (yay!). And at my core, I still want people to like me. So I don’t say nasty, mean things about anyone because I don’t want them saying nasty, mean things about me.
But, *sigh* someone told me it was finally time for me to learn how to throw shade as a form of self-protection from all the haters and wannabes. (I seemed to have picked up a particularly nasty hater lately — who strangely enough, I’ve only ever tried to help before.) But alas, if you’re the diva I know you are, then I know that chances are you too will have haters. So better we are at least prepared to throw shade, should we ever find ourselves in a haters’ throw down. So, here’s a crash course that I’m sharing with you while I’m learning too. Ready?
Here’s what you need to throw shade:
A good hand – you’re gonna need this hand all day long for holding it up, like a stop sign, in the direction of your shade thrower. They should consider the hand a warning, and hopefully just walk away. If that doesn’t work, stay calm (always calm) and carry on.
A good vocabulary – you don’t need to swear or curse when you throw shade, let’s leave that for any of BRAVO’s housewives. A sophisticated diva handles a hater with a well-worded simple sentence, like: “The depths to which you are willing to scrounge in search of relevancy is apparently obvious to everyone but you. That’s just so sad.”
A good brain – If you are a slow thinker, start poppin’ Gingko with alacrity because you ‘re gonna need all brain synapses popping in order to shoot back lightening quick responses in the shade of the moment. But no worries, thanks to Instagram (which I know you have) and other social media platforms, you can always send your shade delayed if you missed your IRT moment. I caution you, putting shade out there for all to see is like opening a can of black widow spiders. Be prepared for the venom. But a diva’s gotta do what a diva’s gotta do. I understand. No judgement. No side-eyes.
For extra help, here is a tutorial on throwing shade. Warning, these aren’t classy divas so there are language issues. (Ha! I think I just threw some shade).
Just know that if somebody is throwing shade at you, that means you’re shining. You could just accept it as a form of flattery and ignore their shade altogether. And of course, there is always mama’s favorite piece of advice “if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, then don’t say anything.” And TRUST me, when you are a diva, your silence speaks volumes! So perhaps, we go with my first instinct, and just save the shade throwing for those who are less evolved. Yes, I think that’s the classy diva way to handle things. Don’t you?